Member 11: Usain Bolt

Awesomeness can crawl by you and sometimes nibble on your ankle. But the preferred way to administer awesome is via speed shot. Usain Bolt is a showman. He is tall as a moose, but gallops like a gazelle. He is kind of a Jamaican douchebag, so I guess that makes him a jerk. But this Caribbean knows how to spice up the tracks. And this bolt of lightning will electrocute all forms of suck and wuss. He will run circles around awesome and then dip it in gold and wear it around his neck. The bad news, Bolt … you have to give up racing. The good news, Bolt … you get to take up chasing. Our army of awesomeness needs hunters who know how to close a gap. And we’re talking about the store, although that wouldn’t be so bad. Usain, your Ritual Shaving Kit is at the finish line somewhere in Beijing. Just keep running and I’m sure you’ll cross it sooner or later. On your mark, get set, Bolt!

Member 10: David Wooderson

Every once in a while a character comes along that impacts every essence of your being, but since Hunter S. Thompson literally blew his mind away … we’ll have to settle for David Wooderson. We gave him a dime bag of awesome and he smoked in a little over an hour. That’s good enough for us. We need someone who will leave sucktitude both dazed and confused. And that man is Wooderson. He won’t just spellbound our enemy with colorful words of wisdom-he’ll also date it’s under aged girlfriend and have her trimming his blonde stache by the end of the night. You see, awesome isn’t just a state of mind-it’s an overall approach to life. And that’s what you gotta love about awesome, man. We get older, it stays the same age. Wooderson, we all know you’re really just Matthew McConaughey in a blonde wig, but that’s fine with us. The world could use more of you, a few more naked bongo sessions and, of course, a shit load more of grade A awesome. Do you have a Ritual shaving kit? It’d be a lot cooler if you did. So we’re going to ship one to the 70’s and hide it in your new girlfriend’s Fem-Fro. You just gotta keep shavin’ man, S-H-A-V-I-N.

Member 9: Megatron

Long before Michael Bay made 7000 korean kids go into seizures with his douchey interpretation of the Transformers … there was the original gangsta bots that forced their steel will on our civilization. And none was more bad assier than the one, the only … Megatron. With the magic of CGI and 3D Graphics-somehow they reduced this one time SOB into something resembling a circuit pine tree. But we can assure you that the real Megatron is actually alive and ready to unleash his decepticony claws on anyone who does not bow before awesomeness. True, Megatron was a dick and he was also really hell bent on blowing up the galaxy. But a lot has changed. Megatron and Bumble Bee play raquetball on weekends now. And he’s really sort of chilled out since he started dating Star Screams’ sister … who is quite the moaner, we hear. But he has never lost that edge. And he said the break has been nice and he’s now ready to turn his colossal cannon against those who do not value awesomeness. We trust him, for now. And hey … if he flips out and takes down the Fabio jail cell, who really cares? Megatron, in return for transforming suck into awesome-you’re in line for a brand new Ritual Shaving Kit. Just one thing … it’s hidden in Shock Wave’s ass. Good luck, Meggy.

Member 8: Michael Phelps

For all we know, Phelpsy might be kind of a douche. But the kid glides like an f’n hammerhead. Some may argue that he would be better suited to the Navy of Awesomeness as some sort of bastard blue seal. But when you’re in a heated battle against the states of suck and nations of nut sweat–it don’t matter which team you’re on as long as it’s the winning one. So we got to Miguel first, deal with it. This dolphin boy is gonna have more gold around his neck than Mr. T. Few have tried to rock a handlebar in the deep blue, but this humpback whale humping SOB is all man-fish. And let’s face it … try as we may … we’ll never be as proficient in stroking as this slimy man slut. So Mike, our latex swimmer beanies go off to you … you are certainly a manta ray among men. And we figure a slick hairless soul like yourself could use a free pass into the Army of Awesomeness, but not nearly as much as the free Ritual shaving kit. So give us a shout and we’ll send the gift via sea plane. Behold … you.

Member 7: Boba Fett

The best bounty hunter in the galaxy? Check. Kicked serious jedi ass? Check. Before Iron Man came to the big screen and made a perennial rail sniffer into the lunch box cover du jour, there was Boba Fett. He could fly. He was metal. And, of course, he was all f’n brawn. He was a mercenary. A hired gun. He’s kind of like Gary Sheffield. Except not as much of a douchebag. Which is quite interesting considering Sheff has never killed anyone and Fett takes pride in slaughtering space forms. If awesomeness could be put on an conveyor belt and assembled with precision, that would be Boba Fett. For some reason, Boba’s metal suit was always dirty and greasy. I like to think it’s because he was the metal tommy lee and constantly had parties in his oil filled jacuzzi with droid strippers. After long nights of drinking high test awesome and smoking space grits, he rolled out of bed, said F it and bountied up. Boba, we launched your Ritual shaving kit into orbit … go find it and you’ll be the smoothest robot in the god forsaken galaxy. Word.

Never a Member: Fabio

Fabio passes the eye test. He’s ripped and he’s seemingly pissed at all times, unless you’re a cougar wearing stonewash jeans and a ripped Def Leopard half shirt-then he’s as nice as can be. He loses points for his long locks, for punching George Clooney and for general douchbaggery. If the Army of Awesomeness was a romantic novel or a new modeling service then Fabio would be a shoe-in. But the war against shit heads and p-bags is a constant battle. Only those who truly embody awesomeness are fit to fight, and while the AOA believes in redemption, Fabio is too much of a risk because he’s already dug a serious homo hole in the ground and no ladder is long enough to pull his buttery guineas ass out. Not to mention, he doesn’t grow body hair because he is a nair whore. No Ritual Shaving Kit for you!

Member 6: Aditya ‘Romeo’ Dev

You want Lil Tandoori? You can’t handle Lil Tandoori! This little warrior will turn your testis into tikka. Awesome comes in all shapes and sizes, and every army could use a little Romeo. This samosa size hindu’s entry is a naan-issue. What’s most amazing about Romeo isn’t his desire to do military lifts with basmati barbells. No, it’s the fact that this Jack Hammer Jr. is dedicated to rockin’ the blonde salad. Everything we wanted to know about this tanned smurf is in his hair. It’s not a fashion statement, it’s an invitation to brawl. For that, he gets a Ritual shaving kit and a free ride on an elephant … a very small elephant.

Member 5: Willie Nelson

The army needs someone to deal pure buds of awesome. Toke ’em if you got ’em. This highway man has seen everything there is to see in life. Yup, Johnny Potseed has been planting golden ballads across this land for nearly an eternity. He’s rocked the male pig tails long enough that it’s gone in and out of style three times. Yes, this is one of the downturns, but look out in 2014. The facial whiskers have attracted many a dame back to his love bus. If the word awesome could be strummed, this is the man who could make it sing. He gave us a river full of whiskey. So we’re giving him a Ritual shaving kit. Willie, look out for it at your next tour stop. And I know it’s good … but please don’t smoke it.

Member 4: Manny Ramirez

Man Ram. Awesome being awesome. While the rest of the league was shooting HGH into their frickin asses, this bad ass mofo was selling his grill on e-bay. Oh, and smacking homeruns and knocking in runs like he was hitting the shit off a tee. He wins a world series MVP, drops some dominican knowledge on red sox nation and then upstages Leno on his own show. All this with a sweet nappy goatee and a head full of dred. It doesn’t matter if he’s in Boston or LA–He’s batting cleanup for this awesome army. Your Ritual shaving kit is in the mail. I’m sure you’ll find a spot for it somewhere in the locker that holds your mc hammer baggy uniform.

Member 3: Count Von Count

Three! Three protectors of awesomehood! Count Von Count, A.K.A. Vlad Micic, is the pimp of sesame street leaving muppet hickies all over the furry biatches. He got Oscar addicted to muppet meth. How do you think that nappy green junkie ended up in a garbage can? Fact: Count Von Count is the only muppet to pull human ass. Kermit had his chance, but that high pitched p-bag couldn’t close the deal. Not Count. He rolled up with his puppet soul patch blowing in the wind and was like, Two! Two ho’s on deez nuts! That’s the kind of awesome I want on my team. Your Ritual shaving kit is in the mail and due to arrive at 69 Sesame Street. Actually, I’ll have that yellow slut Big Bird bring that shit over.