Member 11: Usain Bolt

Awesomeness can crawl by you and sometimes nibble on your ankle. But the preferred way to administer awesome is via speed shot. Usain Bolt is a showman. He is tall as a moose, but gallops like a gazelle. He is kind of a Jamaican douchebag, so I guess that makes him a jerk. But this Caribbean knows how to spice up the tracks. And this bolt of lightning will electrocute all forms of suck and wuss. He will run circles around awesome and then dip it in gold and wear it around his neck. The bad news, Bolt … you have to give up racing. The good news, Bolt … you get to take up chasing. Our army of awesomeness needs hunters who know how to close a gap. And we’re talking about the store, although that wouldn’t be so bad. Usain, your Ritual Shaving Kit is at the finish line somewhere in Beijing. Just keep running and I’m sure you’ll cross it sooner or later. On your mark, get set, Bolt!

Member 10: David Wooderson

Every once in a while a character comes along that impacts every essence of your being, but since Hunter S. Thompson literally blew his mind away … we’ll have to settle for David Wooderson. We gave him a dime bag of awesome and he smoked in a little over an hour. That’s good enough for us. We need someone who will leave sucktitude both dazed and confused. And that man is Wooderson. He won’t just spellbound our enemy with colorful words of wisdom-he’ll also date it’s under aged girlfriend and have her trimming his blonde stache by the end of the night. You see, awesome isn’t just a state of mind-it’s an overall approach to life. And that’s what you gotta love about awesome, man. We get older, it stays the same age. Wooderson, we all know you’re really just Matthew McConaughey in a blonde wig, but that’s fine with us. The world could use more of you, a few more naked bongo sessions and, of course, a shit load more of grade A awesome. Do you have a Ritual shaving kit? It’d be a lot cooler if you did. So we’re going to ship one to the 70’s and hide it in your new girlfriend’s Fem-Fro. You just gotta keep shavin’ man, S-H-A-V-I-N.