Member 8: Michael Phelps

For all we know, Phelpsy might be kind of a douche. But the kid glides like an f’n hammerhead. Some may argue that he would be better suited to the Navy of Awesomeness as some sort of bastard blue seal. But when you’re in a heated battle against the states of suck and nations of nut sweat–it don’t matter which team you’re on as long as it’s the winning one. So we got to Miguel first, deal with it. This dolphin boy is gonna have more gold around his neck than Mr. T. Few have tried to rock a handlebar in the deep blue, but this humpback whale humping SOB is all man-fish. And let’s face it … try as we may … we’ll never be as proficient in stroking as this slimy man slut. So Mike, our latex swimmer beanies go off to you … you are certainly a manta ray among men. And we figure a slick hairless soul like yourself could use a free pass into the Army of Awesomeness, but not nearly as much as the free Ritual shaving kit. So give us a shout and we’ll send the gift via sea plane. Behold … you.