Archive for Ritual

Member 8: Michael Phelps

Posted in Nawesome with tags , , , , , , on August 5, 2008 by alienbun

For all we know, Phelpsy might be kind of a douche. But the kid glides like an f’n hammerhead. Some may argue that he would be better suited to the Navy of Awesomeness as some sort of bastard blue seal. But when you’re in a heated battle against the states of suck and nations of nut sweat–it don’t matter which team you’re on as long as it’s the winning one. So we got to Miguel first, deal with it. This dolphin boy is gonna have more gold around his neck than Mr. T. Few have tried to rock a handlebar in the deep blue, but this humpback whale humping SOB is all man-fish. And let’s face it … try as we may … we’ll never be as proficient in stroking as this slimy man slut. So Mike, our latex swimmer beanies go off to you … you are certainly a manta ray among men. And we figure a slick hairless soul like yourself could use a free pass into the Army of Awesomeness, but not nearly as much as the free Ritual shaving kit. So give us a shout and we’ll send the gift via sea plane. Behold … you.

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Member 7: Boba Fett

Posted in Nawesome with tags , , , , , , , on May 12, 2008 by alienbun

The best bounty hunter in the galaxy? Check. Kicked serious jedi ass? Check. Before Iron Man came to the big screen and made a perennial rail sniffer into the lunch box cover du jour, there was Boba Fett. He could fly. He was metal. And, of course, he was all f’n brawn. He was a mercenary. A hired gun. He’s kind of like Gary Sheffield. Except not as much of a douchebag. Which is quite interesting considering Sheff has never killed anyone and Fett takes pride in slaughtering space forms. If awesomeness could be put on an conveyor belt and assembled with precision, that would be Boba Fett. For some reason, Boba’s metal suit was always dirty and greasy. I like to think it’s because he was the metal tommy lee and constantly had parties in his oil filled jacuzzi with droid strippers. After long nights of drinking high test awesome and smoking space grits, he rolled out of bed, said F it and bountied up. Boba, we launched your Ritual shaving kit into orbit … go find it and you’ll be the smoothest robot in the god forsaken galaxy. Word.