Member 10: David Wooderson

Every once in a while a character comes along that impacts every essence of your being, but since Hunter S. Thompson literally blew his mind away … we’ll have to settle for David Wooderson. We gave him a dime bag of awesome and he smoked in a little over an hour. That’s good enough for us. We need someone who will leave sucktitude both dazed and confused. And that man is Wooderson. He won’t just spellbound our enemy with colorful words of wisdom-he’ll also date it’s under aged girlfriend and have her trimming his blonde stache by the end of the night. You see, awesome isn’t just a state of mind-it’s an overall approach to life. And that’s what you gotta love about awesome, man. We get older, it stays the same age. Wooderson, we all know you’re really just Matthew McConaughey in a blonde wig, but that’s fine with us. The world could use more of you, a few more naked bongo sessions and, of course, a shit load more of grade A awesome. Do you have a Ritual shaving kit? It’d be a lot cooler if you did. So we’re going to ship one to the 70’s and hide it in your new girlfriend’s Fem-Fro. You just gotta keep shavin’ man, S-H-A-V-I-N.

Never a Member: Fabio

Fabio passes the eye test. He’s ripped and he’s seemingly pissed at all times, unless you’re a cougar wearing stonewash jeans and a ripped Def Leopard half shirt-then he’s as nice as can be. He loses points for his long locks, for punching George Clooney and for general douchbaggery. If the Army of Awesomeness was a romantic novel or a new modeling service then Fabio would be a shoe-in. But the war against shit heads and p-bags is a constant battle. Only those who truly embody awesomeness are fit to fight, and while the AOA believes in redemption, Fabio is too much of a risk because he’s already dug a serious homo hole in the ground and no ladder is long enough to pull his buttery guineas ass out. Not to mention, he doesn’t grow body hair because he is a nair whore. No Ritual Shaving Kit for you!