Archive for August, 2008

Member 11: Usain Bolt

Posted in Nawesome with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 21, 2008 by alienbun

Awesomeness can crawl by you and sometimes nibble on your ankle. But the preferred way to administer awesome is via speed shot. Usain Bolt is a showman. He is tall as a moose, but gallops like a gazelle. He is kind of a Jamaican douchebag, so I guess that makes him a jerk. But this Caribbean knows how to spice up the tracks. And this bolt of lightning will electrocute all forms of suck and wuss. He will run circles around awesome and then dip it in gold and wear it around his neck. The bad news, Bolt … you have to give up racing. The good news, Bolt … you get to take up chasing. Our army of awesomeness needs hunters who know how to close a gap. And we’re talking about the store, although that wouldn’t be so bad. Usain, your Ritual Shaving Kit is at the finish line somewhere in Beijing. Just keep running and I’m sure you’ll cross it sooner or later. On your mark, get set, Bolt!

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Member 10: David Wooderson

Posted in Nawesome with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 14, 2008 by alienbun

Every once in a while a character comes along that impacts every essence of your being, but since Hunter S. Thompson literally blew his mind away … we’ll have to settle for David Wooderson. We gave him a dime bag of awesome and he smoked in a little over an hour. That’s good enough for us. We need someone who will leave sucktitude both dazed and confused. And that man is Wooderson. He won’t just spellbound our enemy with colorful words of wisdom-he’ll also date it’s under aged girlfriend and have her trimming his blonde stache by the end of the night. You see, awesome isn’t just a state of mind-it’s an overall approach to life. And that’s what you gotta love about awesome, man. We get older, it stays the same age. Wooderson, we all know you’re really just Matthew McConaughey in a blonde wig, but that’s fine with us. The world could use more of you, a few more naked bongo sessions and, of course, a shit load more of grade A awesome. Do you have a Ritual shaving kit? It’d be a lot cooler if you did. So we’re going to ship one to the 70’s and hide it in your new girlfriend’s Fem-Fro. You just gotta keep shavin’ man, S-H-A-V-I-N.

Member 9: Megatron

Posted in Nawesome with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 5, 2008 by alienbun

Long before Michael Bay made 7000 korean kids go into seizures with his douchey interpretation of the Transformers … there was the original gangsta bots that forced their steel will on our civilization. And none was more bad assier than the one, the only … Megatron. With the magic of CGI and 3D Graphics-somehow they reduced this one time SOB into something resembling a circuit pine tree. But we can assure you that the real Megatron is actually alive and ready to unleash his decepticony claws on anyone who does not bow before awesomeness. True, Megatron was a dick and he was also really hell bent on blowing up the galaxy. But a lot has changed. Megatron and Bumble Bee play raquetball on weekends now. And he’s really sort of chilled out since he started dating Star Screams’ sister … who is quite the moaner, we hear. But he has never lost that edge. And he said the break has been nice and he’s now ready to turn his colossal cannon against those who do not value awesomeness. We trust him, for now. And hey … if he flips out and takes down the Fabio jail cell, who really cares? Megatron, in return for transforming suck into awesome-you’re in line for a brand new Ritual Shaving Kit. Just one thing … it’s hidden in Shock Wave’s ass. Good luck, Meggy.

Member 8: Michael Phelps

Posted in Nawesome with tags , , , , , , on August 5, 2008 by alienbun

For all we know, Phelpsy might be kind of a douche. But the kid glides like an f’n hammerhead. Some may argue that he would be better suited to the Navy of Awesomeness as some sort of bastard blue seal. But when you’re in a heated battle against the states of suck and nations of nut sweat–it don’t matter which team you’re on as long as it’s the winning one. So we got to Miguel first, deal with it. This dolphin boy is gonna have more gold around his neck than Mr. T. Few have tried to rock a handlebar in the deep blue, but this humpback whale humping SOB is all man-fish. And let’s face it … try as we may … we’ll never be as proficient in stroking as this slimy man slut. So Mike, our latex swimmer beanies go off to you … you are certainly a manta ray among men. And we figure a slick hairless soul like yourself could use a free pass into the Army of Awesomeness, but not nearly as much as the free Ritual shaving kit. So give us a shout and we’ll send the gift via sea plane. Behold … you.