Member 5: Willie Nelson

Posted in Nawesome with tags , , , , , , , , on April 14, 2008 by alienbun

The army needs someone to deal pure buds of awesome. Toke ’em if you got ’em. This highway man has seen everything there is to see in life. Yup, Johnny Potseed has been planting golden ballads across this land for nearly an eternity. He’s rocked the male pig tails long enough that it’s gone in and out of style three times. Yes, this is one of the downturns, but look out in 2014. The facial whiskers have attracted many a dame back to his love bus. If the word awesome could be strummed, this is the man who could make it sing. He gave us a river full of whiskey. So we’re giving him a Ritual shaving kit. Willie, look out for it at your next tour stop. And I know it’s good … but please don’t smoke it.

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Member 4: Manny Ramirez

Posted in Nawesome with tags , , , , , , , , , on April 13, 2008 by alienbun

Man Ram. Awesome being awesome. While the rest of the league was shooting HGH into their frickin asses, this bad ass mofo was selling his grill on e-bay. Oh, and smacking homeruns and knocking in runs like he was hitting the shit off a tee. He wins a world series MVP, drops some dominican knowledge on red sox nation and then upstages Leno on his own show. All this with a sweet nappy goatee and a head full of dred. It doesn’t matter if he’s in Boston or LA–He’s batting cleanup for this awesome army. Your Ritual shaving kit is in the mail. I’m sure you’ll find a spot for it somewhere in the locker that holds your mc hammer baggy uniform.

Member 3: Count Von Count

Posted in Nawesome with tags , , , , , , , on April 13, 2008 by alienbun

Three! Three protectors of awesomehood! Count Von Count, A.K.A. Vlad Micic, is the pimp of sesame street leaving muppet hickies all over the furry biatches. He got Oscar addicted to muppet meth. How do you think that nappy green junkie ended up in a garbage can? Fact: Count Von Count is the only muppet to pull human ass. Kermit had his chance, but that high pitched p-bag couldn’t close the deal. Not Count. He rolled up with his puppet soul patch blowing in the wind and was like, Two! Two ho’s on deez nuts! That’s the kind of awesome I want on my team. Your Ritual shaving kit is in the mail and due to arrive at 69 Sesame Street. Actually, I’ll have that yellow slut Big Bird bring that shit over.

Member 2: Dirk Nowitzki

Posted in Nawesome with tags , , , , , , , on April 11, 2008 by alienbun

Dallas Schnitzel anyone? This man has a heart of beer. 7 feet of pure three-point glitz. He may have not won a championship yet, but he’s won the game of life. First one to awesome. That blonde patch on his chin isn’t facial hair … it’s a nappy welcome mat to be taken to school. A twisted ankle might as well be a goosebump, because this gingerbread mansion is never coming down. Your Ritual shaving kit is being sent via submarine to your glitzy German abode. Shave your albino mug and let’s do this!

Member 1: Ron Burgundy

Posted in Nawesome with tags , , , , , , , , on April 11, 2008 by alienbun

He came to this blog, ate a whole wheel of cheese and we’re not even mad. His words … poetic. His hair … incredible. His Channel 4 News Team … mesmerizing. His mustache … otherworldly. Mr. Burgundy you are the first member of this impeccable Army of Awesomeness. We will follow you into a battle of wits any day of the week and twice on Sunday. You sir are kind of a big deal. Your Ritual shaving kit has been fastened to Baxter. We sent him to 1 Main Street, Whales Vagina, California.